


The Kind Of Guy That Wears A Suit

by gala_apples



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Accidents, Aliens, Cupcakes, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-20
Updated: 2013-01-20
Packaged: 2017-11-26 04:55:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/646779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gala_apples/pseuds/gala_apples
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brendon likes cupcakes, but his life is very complicated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Kind Of Guy That Wears A Suit

**Author's Note:**

  * For [doctor_jasley](https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctor_jasley/gifts).



If someone had told Brendon buying a cupcake would end with an alien pointing what looks like a woman’s rabbit style vibrator - but is really a gun- at his face, he probably wouldn’t have bought the cupcake.

Maybe.

Realistically, he probably would have just thought the person informing him was insane. That kind of claim comes alongside ‘they’ve implanted microchips in my geraniums’, and ‘Doritos used to be hexagon shaped’ and ‘Heavenly Father gives a shit about you’. Brendon’s an adult now, he doesn’t listen to conspiracies and crackpot theories.

Besides, cupcakes tend to be worth a hassle.

*

Brendon has four problems. They are all running concurrently, and he’s hoping to find a multi-faceted solution.

One, he got a free Milk2Go from some guy handing out bottles at the grocery store he picks up his lunch sub. Normally Brendon’s not all that dairy-centric. Brendon likes small meals, and milk is an combo item, like milk and cookies or milk and cereal. But throwing out free things would have his three years ago self infuriated, and he can’t bring himself to do it even now.

Two, he’s hungry. Hungry, not thirsty, so it’s not like chugging the milk will help.

Three, he needs an energy boost. It’s really too early in the day to exist.

Four, he needs a joy boost. Again, see current time.

As far as he can tell, there’s only one solution that meets all four criteria.

 

*

Brendon is pretty sure Douglas Addams’ theory is wrong. The answer to life, the universe, and everything isn’t 42. It’s cupcakes. Brendon is a 20 year old American male, and proud to say he loves the shit out of cupcakes.

He could probably make them himself. The cakey part could be just plain Duncan Hines. The icing could be the same brand further down the store’s baking aisle. Or if he really got ambitious, he could mix his own combination of butter, icing sugar, and vanilla. He’s seen it done.

But the truth is he doesn’t have the epic ambition needed to create his own icing, or even the small amount necessary to stir eggs and water into a powdered mix. It’s a lot easier to just type ‘cupcake store’ into his phone app.

*

The shop is lovely. Quaint, even. The few tables have white and baby blue tablecloths, the walls are painted blue, and the list of flavours and prices are written on a chalkboard propped against the wall. It almost makes up for the fact that the line is twenty long.

After a million years it’s his turn. He’s had a long time to think about the different options in the glass case. Brendon wants one of the bright purple cupcakes, with the Jimmies circling the outside and the miniature toy in the middle. He doesn’t know what flavour it is, and he doesn’t care. It just looks _fun_.

Deep down he is totally five years old.

*

Brendon’s maybe a block out of Corrie’s Cupcakes when he realises one of the staff is following him, still in her blue striped apron. He checks his pocket. He’s still got his wallet, so she’s not being a good Samaritan returning it. Neither is Brendon at fault. He knows he didn’t short change the cashier, he paid in exact change.

She’s got something in her hand, but he can’t tell what it is, aside from it looking sort of milk bottle shaped. He doesn’t stop to look closer. He’s seen some pretty hardcore upselling, but chasing a customer out of the store is new to him.

Her enthusiasm seems a bit ridiculous, but he doesn’t have long to think about it. A moment after she sees that he sees her, her arm raises. A moment after that, the building beside him blows up and he stops caring about anything except sprinting away as fast as he can and calling the cops.

*

The guy that shows up is _not_ a cop. Brendon hasn’t actually hung out with a lot of cops, but the guy’s got long hair with a weird orange patch in the back, and he’s wearing ripped jeans and a cardigan. None of those individually would indicate a cop, all three together makes the very idea laughable.

Not that Brendon’s in much of a mood for laughing, something which he explains -at length- to the guy. Frank, apparently. Frank’s a good listener.

*

He asks why repeatedly, plaintively. Brendon bought a cupcake, that shouldn’t be enough to make a cupcake seller want to kill him. He _said_ thank you!

“That shop is run by a family of Beawanakno. Alien race, about thirty seven planets away, depending on time of year. The rings on their fingers shield them. Not just keeping them looking human, it’s a literal shield that prevents harm. They’re practically immortal, wearing them. I’m pretty sure the decoration on your cupcake is a loose ring that fell off. Since you stole nos disguise, and worse, nos safety, nos wants it back. By any means. Do you believe me?”

Brendon knows Spencer wouldn’t. Brendon’s not Spencer. Spencer didn’t get nearly blown up over a cupcake.

*

Frank’s plan is to lure nos -not him, or her, or it, but _nos_ , Frank insists- into a trap. At this point Brendon’s in about seven leagues over his head, so he just goes with what he says.

Frank says it’ll take twenty minutes for nos residual biometric shielding to fail. After that the Beawanakno will be at nos weakest, and Brendon will be able to approach nos without worry to return the ring. Nos will still try to kill him, of course. According to Frank messing with a Beawanakno’s ring is an offense so disgusting there isn’t even a human equivalent. Necrophilic child porn is closest, but still not vile enough. The employee will want Brendon’s life for doing such a thing, never mind that it was a complete accident. But if he gives back the ring and then runs, nos won’t have a lifelong pledge to track him and slaughter him. Nos will kill Brendon if nos sees him again, but nos won’t hunt him.

*

Unfortunately the Beawanakno finds Brendon before it’s time to stand just outside the shop to confront nos. Nos still looks like a pretty brunette, maybe an eight of ten on the hotness scale. Not that Brendon ranks women in his head or anything. Spencer’s sisters would kick his ass if that was true.

As it turns out, the cylinder in nos hand looks a lot more like a dildo than a milk bottle when Brendon sees it close up. Too close for his liking, the end of it is right against the bridge of his nose. It makes a small noise as a protuberance comes out, for all the world looking like the clit stimulator. Brendon somehow doubts this scene is going to end in orgasm.

Just as he’s starting to worry -the weapon is shaking, that’s probably not a good thing- the alien falls to the ground. On the other side of the body is Frank, with a small smile on his face.

*

“So, what? Are you going to erase my memory now?” He tacks a chuckle onto the end to try and cover that he’s worried about just how much Frank will wipe.

“The hell are you talking about?”

“You know, Men In Black?”

Frank smirks. “Do I look like the kind of guy that wears a suit?”

He’s got kind of a point.

“Tell whoever you want. Ninety percent of the people you tell will think it’s post traumatic stress from being nearly blown up, or that you did drugs and saw shit. Both, maybe.”

He’s got a point there too. Spencer will never believe him.

“Have a good life, Brendon Boyd Urie.” Frank steps over the corpse for a quick hug. He smells good. Brendon can’t help but notice that his hair smells like green apple.

The next instant both he and the dead alien are gone, and it hits him that Frank called him by his full name. Brendon never told Frank his last name.


End file.
